Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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