I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
