I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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