Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize