It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
