Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
