I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
