I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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