He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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