there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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