I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
