I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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