before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
