it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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