If that was your dad, he is hot
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
