the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize