i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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