booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you had me at cake vodka
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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