I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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