oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize