note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
