Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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