i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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