my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
