I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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