So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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