If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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