It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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