I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
