just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
