I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
