oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
