i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
