Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
