kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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