Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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