i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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