Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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