You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
