i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
