Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
