My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
