I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
