I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize