i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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