Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
