respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
