Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
