Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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