i don't like sucking hair
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
