I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
