someone threw a dead crab at me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
