TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
