Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
