JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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