Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize