wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
