1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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