So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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