just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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