i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
