i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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