i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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