Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The uberlube is also flammable
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
